Mourning

I think that Greg and I have done a really good job of making the best of our situation.  We always try to find the fun side of what's going on and keep a positive outlook.  But, don't be fooled, he and I have cried too.

  I cried when I found out I had to get two more tubes, I cried when I was told that I was not yet ready for the life-saving chemo I desperately need.  I cried when my hair fell out.  These moments were met with a few tears and sniffles, then quickly wiping my face, taking a deep breath, and getting on with life.  There are people who do not have the resources or the support that I have and are in worse situations than me.  I need to suck it up and keep moving forward.

There is one aspect of what's happened to me that I haven't figured out how to get over yet.  I usually find myself crying about it when I'm in bed late at night or early in the morning and everyone is asleep.  Sometimes, in the middle of the afternoon I'll see something that reminds me and I turn in to a big weepy mess.  

As far as I can remember, it's the very first thing I cried to my husband about immediately after the surgery.  My sweet husband came into the recovery area, took my hand, and I told him, "We would have made such pretty babies" with tears streaming down  the sides of my face.  And I haven't figured out how to suck this one up or even if I should.  It seems like this deserves more than than an "oh, well".

How do you mourn the loss of something you never had?  So quickly, and with almost no warning, I lost the opportunity to make those cute pregnancy announcements I had been Pinning on a secret board.  I won't know if I would have been a skinny pregnant lady, or someone who gains 50lbs.  I'll never get to feel a baby kick and move.  Greg and I can't take those beautiful maternity pictures where Mommy and Daddy lovingly embrace their baby while still in mommy's belly.  No one will get to guess if they have Greg's eyes or my nose.  

Greg and I weren't sure yet if we wanted to have two or three kids, but I knew I at least wanted one boy and one girl.  We have names picked out, most of them are family names.  I love the idea of being connected with your ancestors by a name.  

I know there are so many children that need homes.  And when all of this is behind us I'm sure we will have a family and we will have so much love for our kids.  In a way, I feel guilty to our future children by crying over our new inability to have kids of our own.  Will my future kids read this and feel hurt or less wanted and loved?  Then of course, that makes me cry too.